EP001 - From people pleaser to learning to love myself (with Claire)

Claire was a people pleaser and didn't know what she wanted. We discuss why it's important to learn to love yourself as a platform for loving other people. Chatting with Claire, a self-love and relationship coach, we discuss how to look after yourself if you're a people pleaser, why Noel is sometimes selfish and what Chris' favourite love languages are.

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Link to Gary Chapman's book on the 5 love languages (affiliate link):
https://amzn.to/3GSEdop

You can find Claire's business here:
https://www.clairelouisecoaching.com/
https://www.instagram.com/iam_clairelouise/

Claire joined us on one of the Windermere Weekend by Adventure Solos, you can find details of that event here:
https://www.adventuresolos.com/windermere-weekend

To find out more about Adventure Solos events, including joining the mailing list, visit:
https://www.AdventureSolos.com/

 

Transcript

Episode 001 - Learning to Love Yourself with Claire Morton

Noel

With regards to people pleasing, to a certain extent, people pleasing isn't a bad thing, but it's just, keeping it in check, isn't it? 

Claire

Pleasing people is not a bad thing, but if you're doing it in order to meet your own needs, which a lot of people pleasers are doing it to meet their own needs because that's where they get the validation from.

That's where they feel liked, loved and all of that. They're actually doing it for the. Rather than actually doing it for somebody else. So the more you develop that relationship with yourself and you please yourself and validate yourself and praise yourself and all of that, what you then give to other people is more real.

Chris

Hey, is Chris here from Adventure Solos where we help people in their thirties, forties, and fifties to rediscover themselves and meet new people. In this episode, my friend Nola and I are chatting to Claire Morton. Claire came on the Windermere Weekend, and I thought she had a really interesting story.

Claire found herself single and she wanted to break what she saw as a cycle of failed relationships. Now she works as a coach, helping other people to achieve the same goals for themselves. We chat about how to look after yourself if you're a natural people pleaser, different types of love languages, which I've found pretty eye-opening and discuss whether Noel really is selfish.

If you'd like to find out more about adventure solos events, visit AdventureSolos.com. That's AdventureSolos.com where you're very welcome to stay in touch by joining the mailing list. So AdventureSolos.com and enter your details to sign up to the mailing

Claire

list. Hi I'm Claire and I'm 43 and a lot changed for me when I turned 40, which I think we're gonna talk about.

Chris

Cool. And so you've, I guess the reason I'm for getting you on today is I think you've got a bit of an interesting story. As I've just turned 40, we were just chatting there briefly. , didn't, didn't feel great a day or two before, but it turns out life goes on, so yeah. You had an interesting experience when you turn 40.

Claire

I did. Yeah. Yeah. So actually the year I turned 40 was actually. Brilliant. And I was I found, , solo traveling at that point and went to the Philippines in Australia and had everything that you want really in terms of the job and the house and all of that kind of stuff. And and actually met somebody who was in a relationship.

With for a short time. And then it all went wrong, really. And that broke up and that's when sort of things really changed for me. I was yeah, in that spiral of. Self-doubt and why is this not working? Why can't I make relationships work? And all of that, that kind of thing.

And I'd been doing a bit of self-development for a while, but I I, that's when I signed up to a coach. And that helped me see that the missing piece of the puzzle, if you like, was my relationship with

Chris

myself. You started a journey of self-discovery, but then you've become a coach and you are now a what's your business or what's your title?

Claire

Yeah. So I'm a self-love and relationship coach now, so after doing like the program myself and seeing the transformation and just like seeing how many people live like this trapped and with those patterns and, we often go into relationships and we've all got all of this stuff going on and then we try to have a relationship and it just doesn't work.

And so yeah, so once I'd done that, I was like just passionate about wanting. Help others to have that same transformation really. And so yeah, set up my own business and got the qualifications life coach. And I'm on that journey now of building that business. You're essentially

Chris

a life coach, but specifically focusing on, your relationship with yourself and then perhaps relationships with others.

Claire

The self-love piece was like massive for me because. What happens is like relationships with other people are a mirror of the relationship that you have with yourself. And when I unpicked that, like I didn't feel I was good enough, I did it. I felt I was boring, not interested, I was trapped by fear, perfectionism people pleasing you name it.

Like basically I was kind. living outside of myself, if you like, worrying what other people think. That obviously impacts how you then are with other people and also how you let other people treat you. You'll treat like you let other people treat you in the way you treat yourself. If you're horrible to yourself, then you let other people disrespect you and all of that and that's your normal, that's your familiar.

Noel

Would you say you've always been this way or was this down to something that happened to you when you were younger?

Claire

A lot of it was because of the color of my hair being red and a lot of kind of bullying, I guess in school. I never learned really in childhood how to deal with. Emotions and how, like bad things happening and all of that kind of thing.

So what I was trying to do was make sure that nothing bad ever happened and I didn't, ever feel anything bad. So I would just make sure everybody else was happy and no conflict and I'd adapt to whatever a anybody wanted me to adapt to. And all of that kind of, It's funny isn't

it?

Chris

You say about as children almost, not talking about emotions or whatever, but I think that's true for me as well. I dunno if you, , it's not the sort of thing you get taught at school, is it? And, but it's important in life. I dunno if we

Claire

always get that. No, we definitely don't. And I think, it's nothing about against.

Our parents and stuff, but it's a generational thing that you don't really talk about emotions and my parents would fix everything for me so I didn't have to feel bad. And, , yet actually I never got to experience those bad emotions and how to deal with them and that it's okay for people not to like you.

Noel

And are you mainly working? Men or women? Or is it a, what's the bias on that? Is it a mixture?

Claire

A mixture, yeah. I think I've worked with more women than men but yeah, have worked with some men. Cuz it's the same for all of us. We've all got our stuff if you like.

Noel

And lots of different ages or do people come to you?

Are you noticing it's a general, specific age that people are in need of this help?

Claire

Yeah, it tends to be thirties and forties. top end forties, early fifties. But yeah. Yeah. I think that's the time when you realize that you're repeating the same patterns again and again, and you're not getting anywhere and it's so yeah.

Noel

I would've thought, men surely are terrible at this kind of self-reflection,

Claire

aren't they? Some are, and yeah, it's, and some are, some find it uncomfortable, like to start with to, but then, get hit in the face with realizations and the like, wow, this, it makes a big difference. Like one guy that I coached he like came to me to start with and he is it was actually as I was training, so it was like, A Guinea pig, if you like.

And he was like, I just wanna live on a mountain, never be in a relationship ever again. Like I'm done with it. I was like, oh God, I've got my work cut out . Dunno, I'm gonna do it. And then as we went through the program, it like suddenly had realizations that like he realized that he believed all relationships were rubbish and fake and people were fake and all of that.

And it dawned on him that actually it was him that wasn't. Authentic, if you like. He was being fake. He was hiding himself because he didn't believe he was good enough. And and yeah, he was able to see that and change his behavior. And he met someone towards the end of the program.

And a year later he got engaged and last month he got married,

Noel

had to sell the mountain. Give up that whole dream.

Chris

He gave

Claire

up his mountain. It's wow.

Chris

, maybe his other halfs moving onto the mountain with him. . Yeah. Maybe. How long, , journey was that for this particular person? So you're talking from Yeah, I guess you meeting them to the wedding bells.

Claire

It'll be about two and a half. Will it be about two and a half years? Yeah. Something like that. Yeah.

Chris

And are you still working with that person? 

Claire

No, it's just I do three, four month programs. It was three month then It's four month. Four month now what I offer, so and

Chris

so during that time, that three or four month period, am I right in thinking you're learning and discovering about yourself and what you value and what you can offer and all that kind of stuff?

Is that for within self-love?

Claire

Yeah, a mixture of things really. So it's getting clear on what you. Want and what you're looking for. And we often talk about criteria of, oh, they want them to be this high and this, all of this, but actually it's about how do you wanna feel in that relationship because it doesn't really matter how tall someone is, if they, they can make you feel a different way.

It's all that kind of stuff. And then it's about uncovering that, all that programming about your relationship with yourself, like who. how you feel about yourself and also how you have relationships with other people. And then I'm trained in neurolinguistic programming, so you can transform some of that and go back to some of the stuff that went on and transform those kind of beliefs about yourself.

And and then it moves into connecting with yourself and being your true, authentic self because we all have this mask that we put on and pretend to be. And it's about breaking down that mask and who are you actually, and you know it's okay to be jealous sometimes. It's okay to be angry.

It's okay to be selfish. It's seeing why that's all there rather than keeping up this pretense in life that just makes you fake really, if you like.

Chris

It's funny you mentioned selfish there, and I sometimes think, selfish has such negative connotations, but I actually think it's quite healthy sometimes to be selfish, like you're saying about people please.

And then if you look at, if you're saying, maybe some people have a tendency to do that too much. The opposite is being selfish, but that's such a negative word. But just looking after yourself, and I guess almost going back to the self-love and self-care thing that is looking after yourself. And in a way I think it's fair to call that selfish, but it sounds terrible.

Claire

Yeah. Our need to be selfish comes up if we are not looking after ourselves enough because it's, yeah, it's, it is like a mechanism that kinds of, everything's got a good intention. So when you behave, behaving angry, there's something behind it that's that's driving that. So it's really.

Noel

I get confused of being selfish quite a lot.

Chris

who by?

Noel

By Mike, by my girlfriend, and it really always confuses me because whenever I am accused of being selfish, my response to it is in this particular situation, yes. And it seems absolutely fine to be. Taking that position with regards to people pleasing, to a certain extent, people pleasing isn't a bad thing, isn't it?

But it's just, keeping it in check, isn't it? Pleasing

Claire

people is not a bad thing, but if you're doing it in order to meet your own needs, which a lot of people pleasers are doing it to meet their own needs because that's where they get the validation from. That's where they feel liked and loved and all of that.

They're actually doing it for the. Rather than actually doing it for somebody else. So the more you develop that relationship with yourself and you please yourself and validate yourself and praise yourself and all of that, what you then give to other people is more real. Because you're given from a place of love rather than a place of needing their affection, needing their validation.

And people feel that it's like an energy that people feel. So it's. It's interesting, isn't it? Because we think we're being nice, but we're not always being nice. We're just often getting our needs met because we don't need them in

Chris

ourself. , I know a few people pleasers and I find it frustrating sometimes.

So I guess I'm maybe just the other end of the I was gonna say the other end of the spectrum. Does that make me selfish again? But in terms of if someone asks you a question like, do you know what would you like to drink, then? I just want a straight answer and a people pleaser, I find they'll be like, I, oh, I don't mind.

And it's yeah but what do you want to drink? That doesn't help me. Do you want a tea or a coffee? I probably don't have them in, but do you want a tea or coffee or water? If you tell me what you want, I can action that. But if you just try and please me and tell me the answer, you think, , I want to hear, I find that really difficult.

And I also think then presumably you can quite often be in situations where you are doing something you don't want to. because you, th you thought they wanted to do it and they're also doing it cuz they thought you wanted to do it. And Yeah. For me anyway, I guess it's just a style or personality thing, but I like that directness and I find people pleasing is frustrating sometimes.

Maybe, but maybe that's my issue to deal with.

Claire

No, but with the people pleaser, you're continually guessing what do they actually want? What do they actually like? And so you can never actually. Please them cuz you don't really know what they like. Cuz it, it is, it's okay to, if they say they like everything, then you don't really believe it, do you?

Chris

And maybe that's the point, isn't it? It's about, let's say you are a people pleaser, which is for example what you were saying then it's about. You actually identifying what you like and then you can action that, isn't it? And yeah, doing that digging.

Claire

Yeah. Yeah. If someone had to said, oh, I dunno what movie do you like?

Or whatever. First thing that come with what should I like? What will they like? What, what will they think is good? And it's like, what? It's what do I like? It's not about them.

Chris

Some of this links me back. Claire, feel free to jump in at any point cuz you'll actually know about this instead of be, , guessing at stuff.

But you mentioned before about knowing what you're looking for perhaps in terms of let's say a height of a partner or, I dunno, whether they've got a beard or what color eyes they have and all that. And that's the office sort of superficial stuff. And then I guess I was thinking about almost three layers.

The next level down is maybe like you have hobbies or interests in common, but the bit I'd never really thought of until it was someone on one of the events mentioned it, one of the hiking events in the summer is this sort of, Five love languages or whatever, which is almost the next level down, which is like all this emotional stuff and what you need from a relationship in terms of emotions and what you also can offer.

And that's something I'd never heard of that before. You know this particular thing, the five love languages that, so I ordered a book on it that he'd mentioned. The book is Spy. This guy Gary Chapman, if anyone wants to look it up. . I think a lot of the stuff in it is really sound advice. , but then I'd caveat that with, it's a bit eighties and there's lots of sort of boy jobs and girl jobs, and it's a bit of its time, but the love language is in there.

These five things do, I presume you know all about this. Do

Claire

you and often now a long love language like comes from like our, like beliefs and what we've learned in our, in terms of our programming around love, and it's often what we. What we've not had enough of in childhood is often now a love lang language cuz it's what need we need to have met.

Oh

Chris

yeah. So if you've not had the one you've not had, is the one that you want as an adult then? Or that's the one that you tend to give as an adult? Yeah.

Claire

That you want to often it's what you want to give cuz you obviously people can have different love languages and one of the things is people often give love in the way that they want to receive love, but that's not necessarily.

Someone else wants to receive love.

Chris

So for anyone listening, I've got these five in front of me. I did my homework. You see I've got this book here. So the five Love languages or according to this book, is words of Affirmation. So people, say nice things. Is that right? Mm-hmm. , , quality time.

So spending time with people or given your time to them receiving gifts is number. Acts of service. So I guess making a cup of tea for no, when he arrives late and stuff like that. , and physical touch is the fifth one. So people, I guess people presumably need a bit of each of these and presumably give a bit of each as well.

But it's about identifying what you really value, isn't it, and what your needs are or what's most important to you. And people can. Yeah, just literally speaking completely different languages and not appreciating, you might think you're doing something really nice for someone because that's your, one of your drivers maybe, and they're receiving it, but don't value that they value other things.

Claire

Yeah. And then you get crossed because they're not like appreciating the love that you're giving, but they're not receiving it cuz it's not the way they.

Chris

So maybe when Ashley accuses Nola being selfish, maybe she's missing out on some of the, , the love and affection that has been put in across that.

, yeah, it's

Noel

quite, we talked about this about two weeks ago and it's really changed a lot for me because all of a sudden you start to think about the things that you do in a completely different way. I've left my girlfriend for the weekend on a very cold weekend, and our house is part.

Heated by an open fire. And as I left tonight, I felt a little bit guilty that I was going away for the weekend. That's part of it. But anyway, I was lighting the fire and I thought this is part of the whole love language thing. So she's gonna get home tonight. There's a fire laid, she just has to strike a match light, a piece of paper, and the fire starts roaring.

So it's very much done as part of Chrissy's language of love etiquette. But you have to accept. , you just have to live in hope. I suppose that it's accepted in that vein, haven't you? And just keep

Claire

going. Yeah. Or you communicate. Like it's fine out what? Communicate. . sounds like you're guessing here.

Chris

That's what I was gonna ask question, but I'm never gonna

Noel

say I've laid the fire. Just note that's part of the whole service thing. No, come on. You can't talk. Can you? Should you? Yeah. Maybe we both need to be aware

Claire

of it. Yeah. What's her love language? Is her love language acts of. Does she? Is that how she receives love?

Yeah. It's

Noel

all of the things that Chris mentioned. Really? Yes. It's . It's, she's very good at it. She probably is. I here am my thinking. She's not aware of it. She's probably completely aware of it. And I just don't realize I would say she does all of the language. She speaks all of the languages

Claire

fluently.

You've usually got preferred kind of one or two though. There's like your top.

Noel

Yeah. Yeah. I dunno what that.

Chris

Yeah. What do you know what yours are, Claire?

Claire

, mine's, , mine's quality time and physical touch.

Chris

Yeah, I dunno what mine are. I don't think there'd be words of affirmation. So much quality time. I would say not receiving gifts.

I hate receiving gifts. Just makes me feel awkward. If I want it, I'll buy it. I'll put eBay , , acts of service. Maybe quality time. Yeah. Acts of service. Qu. Yeah, a physical touch. Maybe. It's nice to have a cuddle, isn't it?

Noel

My girlfriend just now just dawned on me. It's gifts. It's giving gifts. All the relationships I'd had before I met her at Christmas time.

Let's pick that one. One present, it'll be a one present situation. We'd both hand each other, one present. And the first Christmas I had with my girlfriend now, so I've been together with for 16 years. I gave her the Christmas present and then she handed me my Christmas present. And then she handed me another Christmas present.

And then she handed and it just went on and on for about 10 presents. All gif wrapped with a bow and a message. Everyone had a tag with a lovely handwritten note in it. So there that's one of her big languages, which I just didn't really re. It was to me it was just annoying that I fallen short in my eyes cause I just stuck to the one present rule.

But that's it, isn't it? And I didn't recognize it for what it was

Chris

probably. And that fire, you should have wrapped it in gift wrap , and she could set fire to the gift wrap.

Noel

It's a good thing to be aware of. That's what we're

Claire

saying. . Yeah. And it's one small part of all of being aware of everything that, how you are as a person and how you interact with other people.

Cause it's a minefield really. There's masses that we just do on autopilot and. and we don't even realize we're doing.

Noel

Do you think a lot of us have issues that we're not aware

Claire

of? We're all programmed, we're like a computer. As soon as we're born, we're programmed. And we all have a map of the world, if you like.

And it's the way we filter things, the way we see things. Cuz two people can see things very differently. But it depends on their experiences, their, how they've been brought up, the beliefs that they've been told, what society's told them, what the school experience is like. Everything kind of forms. Map of the world, if you like.

I was gonna

Noel

say, is a big part of it your parents' relationship, do you think?

Claire

Yeah, there's a lot about cuz that's the rel, that's the first relationship you see or don't see. And that's, so that's where you're from, like what a relationship is. But it's also in your relationship with your parents.

It's got a big. big part to play.

Chris

It sounds in a way, like this process is almost like joining the military, which I've never done by the way, but you know how you envision, you almost get beaten down to nothing and then built back up. And I guess maybe that's them de learning or de teaching or whatever the word is.

And you're almost trying to do that with yourself, aren't you?

Claire

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. It's reprogramming yourself into and being conscious on how you want to be rather than just how you are.

Chris

So it's Claire's bootcamp really. Yeah.

Claire

Yeah. True. I do actually say it's a bit like getting a six pack.

It's, , cause people expect it to spend change overnight. They're like, oh my God, I believe this. And it's then, but it takes time to change. These are habits of a lifetime and things we've been doing. All our lives really. If

Chris

you don't mind sharing are there some things you'd be happy to tell us that, to bring it alive, that you learned along the process about yourself?

That, I dunno if 10 or 20 or whatever percent of the people listening might think, yeah, that's me too. Oh yeah.

Claire

Where do I start ? So

Chris

just one or two

Claire

, all those things I was saying before about. People pleasing so very much. I dunno if you've heard the term, like codependent behaviors, but that was very much what I was, so I was dependent on other people like outside of me.

So I, I have to please people as something and I have to do something or I have to achieve something in order to be loved. And I had all sorts of beliefs around, I dunno if I dare say it, I'm sat talking to two men, but about men and how men are, and that just limits what's possible.

For us in relationships, and I had, one of the big things was I believe that relationships were always harmonious and they're always, cuz I never saw arguments or conflict or disagreements, and so that was totally unfamiliar to me. So I expected relationships to just be, lovely all of the time and just couldn't deal with any of that conflict.

As soon as there was any conflict or disagreement, it's can't be right. It's all wrong. That was a big realiz. And do

Chris

you have groups of people around you that you can chat to this about, I guess Noel and I get together and a few other people as well. And it's it's a nice forum.

Then if you wanna chat about anything, you can, but I just wonder, you say if your perspective or image or whatever is that relationships are harmonious, do you have people you can talk to and say, how's your relationship?

Noel

So I meet up with some school friends that I've. Two men that I've known since I was four years old.

And we tell each other everything and we pretty much, we want each other to, to judge. We want to be judged by our peers, in effect, and I was telling my girlfriend about this, that, we do open up to each other and we do want to be judged. And my girlfriend said that is totally different to her experience of going out with her girlfriends.

She will avoid subjects because she doesn't want to be judged by her girlfriends. Whereas that's exactly why we are meeting 'em, is to be judged to either find out that we are, we are equally open to the fact that we might be completely wrong about a certain issue or that we've, we were completely wrong about it, but being judged I is easier for men.

Do you think, is that what I'm trying to say?

Claire

I don't know. I gue I guess for me, like women do the same, like you would I would always go, like I wouldn't decide anything for myself, so I'd go and say, oh, this is happening, or I've done this, or whatever, and I'd want to find out what everybody else thought about it and whether I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing.

And, but I never actually asked myself. And that's what I mean by being disconnected. It was like, whereas now it's like I've got that relationship with myself, so I'll ask myself how, oh, actually, how do I actually feel? and what do I actually think, not what does so and so think I should do, and that kind of thing.

And I think a lot of us do that and look for the answers outside of ourselves. It's not to say that it's not useful to talk to people, it absolutely is but we like put the weight on their opinions and what they think, but actually their opinions and what they think is coming from their programming and which isn't necessarily.

Chris

Helpful. Let's go jump back to the, you said you're, if you were a people pleaser, how maybe this is the million dollar question, but how did you stop doing that?

Claire

I guess it's those kind of realizing that you don't need to please people and people don't need to like you. And that actually you need.

Please yourself. Not, that sounds awful, doesn't it? But , it sounds selfish, but but it is like we neglect ourselves so much by just pleasing everybody else and put ourselves second and then we feel crap and then we get that. Negative self-talk that goes on and all that kind of analyzing, everyth, I dunno, maybe this is a girl thing or maybe you

Noel

Have you noticed, is people pleasing a more of a female trait than a male trait, do you think? I don't know. Maybe I do know quite a few actually. Little, actually, one of my good friends is a real people pleaser and causes him enormous trouble. Yeah. What's your experience of it? That it's just equal, equally.

Claire

Yeah. I think it, it can be both. I think I've come across, definitely come across both. I think maybe more women are more prone to, to be in people pleasers but I think a lot of men are as well. Yeah.

Chris

I know both men and women. I think that I'd say, , probably when you think about it, probably people pleasers.

But it's interesting, isn't it? So to me, this whole process almost seems like I, I really like what you were saying there about asking yourself what you want and it's almost about, yeah, almost maybe just taking that time out to ask yourself, what do you value? What do you offer? What, yeah, what do you want, and where are your boundaries, people talk about drawing boundaries all the time, but if you don't know what your boundaries are or what's important to you, Then than just saying, having boundaries or drawing your boundaries doesn't really mean anything cuz you don't know where you're drawing them, do you?

Claire

No, and that's exactly what I was like, it's like it comes down to your values and all of that, but I didn't know what they were, I knew what I should have, like how I should be and what I should think and what I should value, but it was, I didn't know what I actually valued, so I was. Yeah, looking outside of myself if you like.

And then when it came to boundaries, it was like, I'd never learned how to set boundaries and you don't, my beliefs were, you don't set boundaries because then people reject you and people don't like you. So you never say someone can't do something that's horrible. And that was my opinion. So then you let people do anything.

And again, it comes down to the not neglecting yourself. Because if you just let people do anything, you. Crap inside when they, they do things to you and you start then internalizing that and that's, can lead to depression, anxiety, all of those kind of things because we're our worst, our own worst enemy, really.

When all of that is happening around us. And like through this process, it's about becoming your own best friend rather than your own enemy. Some of the things we say to ourselves, we'd never say to a friend, would we?

Chris

Where do you think you're at then? You mentioned you're 43 now, and it was life was all good when you were 40 and then this sort of relationship breakdown.

So I guess it feels like maybe you've not been on that journey for that long. So I guess where yeah, just talk us through, the last few years and where you feel you're at now.

Claire

Yeah, I've spent a lot of years uncovering all of that and what's gone on, but actually, although like my age, I really wanna meet someone, what I actually found was like I found the relationship with myself.

And so I actually really enjoyed just being single. And I remember doing an exercise like on looking at clarity and what you really want. And it was like if time, money and time was no object right now, what would you do? And. Be single. And I was like, what? Who said that? I was like so it came quite late and that's what I'm like passionate about for other people is don't wait as long as I did.

Because I think when you do uncover this, it is about having time, getting to know yourself because it does take time like it does in any relationship to build that and get to know yourself. And it's like only now really, that I'm actively looking for a relationship. And I know like with the work I've done that I'm in such a different place and can have such a different relationship to the relationships I've had before, which is amazing really.

Chris

So did you consciously have time out from relationships to as you say, build on yourself and have a relationship with yourself? Was that a. Yeah,

Claire

it combined with covid. , , I was doing, , my coaching program in, I started in January, 2020, so it was six months. So it was a lot of covid times.

So yeah, you couldn't go out and date and meet people, so it was quite a good, good for me. I like people say about Covid and now it being bad, but actually that time for me, on my own and living on my own was. Really good. Really. And it changed my life.

Noel

You would say you are a very different person than you were say five years ago?

Claire

Yeah. Yeah, very much yeah. And it's brought it home to me recently really in that, I dunno if I can share this, but, , , my dad died four weeks ago. And yeah, sorry. And before, like I wouldn't have coped with that. At all. Sorry, I'm getting upset now, but yeah, because I was so dependent on like other people around me and my parents and what they thought of things and all of that, that I just, I couldn't have coped with it at all.

It would've been like my life had, ended and. . Yeah. And it's so different to that. Like I can, a lot of this is mastering your mindset and all of those things that, that come up what if this and what if that? And it like, I can catch that because I've got that awareness and I can go, whoa, that's a load of rubbish.

Thank you. But no thanks. I'm gonna choose to believe this because I've got that conscious awareness of my brain and how a brain operates and. and the unkind things that will come up and it'll say to you, and and I know that I'm here for myself, so like my dad had a stroke and the day that he had a stroke, like before I went round and like the first thing I said to myself was, it's all right.

I've, I've got you and you'll be okay. So that happened very quickly then. Yeah, it did. But yeah, having that good relationship with myself, I know I've always got. And that's not in a, I don't need anybody else way, cuz you can swing to the other way as well. But it's just, it gives you an inner peace.

Chris

I guess it's about, yeah, like you say, you've got that relationship with yourself and you're fine and secure in yourself perhaps. And then meeting someone is a bonus and it's additional, it's not necessity. You're not dependent on them or what they're giving to you or anything like

Claire

that.

No. And I often say before I would've said I was the seller and I'd go into a relationship and Hey, buy me, I'm this and I'm done. I'm good. And I can fix you and I can help you and I can do this. And now I'm the buyer. And I'm like, okay, so you know, I've got all this, what can you offer me?

Chris

Oh, that's such a good way of thinking about it. That's gonna stick with. So yeah, you are the one sort of being picky, if you will, like you are the one in charge and control and deciding whether that works for you or not.

Claire

Knowing what I'm looking for and as they show me the respect and actually because my respect, self respect has gone up.

I expect more respect from. From a man, from somebody else. So it's like you don't tolerate. Before I would've tolerate disrespect, and now it's hang on a minute. I don't treat myself like that, so I'm not gonna let you treat my like that. And that's where it comes, people treat you as well as you treat yourself.

Is your mom still

Noel

a alive Claire? Yes, she is. Yeah. And are they, are your parents noticed a change in you?

Claire

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. My parents are my friends and yeah, work colleagues. And have

Chris

you had to have difficult conversations with any of these people? Or maybe even, yeah, Glen. Talk about that.

Claire

Oh no,

I, I guess it is that kind of. , not do, people are used to you and they're like, I had 40 ideas of people being used to me a certain way and not setting boundaries and, I'd do anything for them and all of that. So then when you change that, you have to have honest conversations and and people are not used to it.

Like when you first set boundaries, if someone's not used to you setting boundaries, then they're like, they try and push it. and keep going. And it's about that keeping being strong on saying that and yeah. Then people gradually realize and PE people treat you better because you're teaching them how to treat you.

Have

Noel

you ever met any of your exes to talk about the relationships

Claire

since? Not to talk about, my ex of 15 years ago came to my dad's funeral, , but no, we didn't talk. Stuff like that. But yeah, I feel I could talk to them about it before I would've said, oh, it's all them and they're this, and they're that and that, all of that.

But actually it's it's not, it's me, it's them as well. Don't get me wrong but a lot of it was me and the way I was behaving, which then, a lot would, like I say, like not getting my needs met, that kind of thing. But I wasn't communicating it. I didn't tell people, it's expecting people to treat me in the way I wanna be treated, but,

But if you just dive a crystal ball and decide, you know how that is. So

Noel

knowing what you know now, is there anybody that you've had a relationship with in the past that you now think? Knowing what I know now, actually, I think it could really work really well. If we gave it

Claire

another go I don't like to look back really, because it's I think it's, living the present moment and I think all of my relationships I've learned masses from and I can clearly see what each one was there to show me, I guess in a way.

And yeah, all I know now is I can do things differently and I'm still growing and still developing and setting boundaries and stuff is still, and conflict is still like uncomfortable for me. But I have the courage now to know that's. , that's the best thing to do. Do you ha

Chris

are you excited to put it into, I guess you're doing it anyway on a day-to-day basis, aren't you?

Yeah,

Claire

and I have, yeah. I've put it into practice and like in, in dating and stuff, but I've put it in practice in my whole life. So yeah. In like work life, in in like relationships with friends and family. , a prime example was my dad was like, ill before and like every he was having mini strokes basically, and he wouldn't go and seek any help.

So my mom was like, you've got to go, you need to go, you must go. You're this, you're that. And my brother was like, you have to, you're being stupid and all of this. And I just put like the rules of that in place and I said, look, dad, I'm I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't say how important this was to me.

And I love, and I care for you and. , it's totally your decision whether you go and that's your responsibility, but I can't not share with you that I love you and I want you to be here, and I want you to, I'd love for you to seek help, but it's your decision and your responsibility. , and the next day you booked a doctor's appointment.

Noel

. Had a mini stroke and not gone to the hospital. Yeah. Wow. That's

Claire

something, isn't it? Yeah. . But it just shows that difference in telling someone what they should do or how they should do it. If you use the word you, then you're immediately, the other person is Ugh, I've done something wrong and I'm gonna defend myself and I'm gonna come in.

Whereas if you say, this is me and this is what I feel, and this is what I need, the other person's, he actually hears. . So yeah, so I've, like I said, I've practiced it in all kinds of relationships that actually I'm not amazing at it yet. Don't get me wrong. I've still gotta consciously do it and think about it, and I hear myself saying you, and I'm like hang on a minute.

Let me just reverse. And what is this about? Why is this annoying me? What is important about it? And like I, I go through the formula of I feel X, about Y and what I need is, And it's really helpful because what we sometimes jump into is, I need you to do this.

Chris

That's a brilliant tip. Anyone can take that away and do your X, Y, Z.

So say that again. Yeah.

Claire

, I feel X about, I feel X. Yeah, about Y and what I need, or what I would prefer or what would really help me is said brilliant. And it just changes that dynamic because you've not ignite. They in a teenager, in somebody to, to defend themself or respond. I'll

Chris

try and remember that.

So how's business going? So you've, you are doing it, did you say part-time at the moment and you're transitioning?

Claire

Yeah, so I went part-time in. July. So thank you. So yeah. Now working on building, building the business and getting out there on social media and all of that I've had a break for a few weeks, obviously with the things that have been happening, but, and so if you

Chris

started going part-time on it, let's say in July you came on the wmi weekend in the.

was, that was coming along cuz I think I see this quite often is people come and they're they're taking time for themselves again. Like quite often, people cuz it's, adventure solos, people in the thirties, forties, fifties. So quite often what I see is, maybe people have been through relationship breakdown and they wanna discover themselves again.

Or sometimes they've got children that have then got to a, an age where independent and yeah, again, they wanna have time for themselves. Do you think there was a bit of that. I

Claire

don't know. I think going along to that was a result off the work that I'd done, if you like. Because I was like as I booked on like last minute.

I just saw it and then I was just like, yeah, let's just go for it. And the old me would never have done that and going into a group of people, I don't know. And but it just didn't, it didn't phase me at all.

Chris

You mentioned courage very early on. I can't remember what the context was, but I think a lot of people that want to come on these types of events, again, you mention that courage and even people like, have really successful careers and all this kind of stuff.

They're still nervous when they come along. I think it's natural, isn't it? But that didn't phase you too much then the new you.

Claire

No it didn't. And it's yeah, we all have fear, don't we? And it's before I would just hover on the edge of the cliff and I'd have looked at going on it and gone, oh no, I can't do that.

And, whereas actually I just jumped. I didn't even really think much about it. I just did it and cuz I knew I'd be okay. . Yeah, and it was great. Like I see it it's really fascinating to meet different people and I'm not a allowed one in a group, but I love to meet new people and hear people's stories and stuff and because I feel okay in myself, it's like I'm okay mixing with people.

Noel

Do you feel like you do a lot of self-reflection?

Chris

Yeah, I think I do. Partly because I think about everything. It not in. I don't think it's in a real negative way as in, or overanalyzing and worried about stuff, but I do think my brain fires all the time and I think about everything. So yeah, I do, but I think you can almost take two paths to it.

I think maybe even the generation above had an attitude of that's just how I am and I'm never gonna change an almost a slightly more stubborn approach, but I think the slightly more modern approach is, Yeah, with, I guess mental health in general is much more acceptable, if that's the right word. And I think we're starting to realize that it's not that you have mental health issues or not, everyone's on a slide in scale and for various different things.

And it's just about, identifying what your strengths or weaknesses are. And yeah, I wanna be someone that continues to improve and Yeah, I don't wanna be a sta it's growth, isn't it? That's the right word for it. It's personal growth.

Noel

, in the early days of my current relationship, we would have, I'll call them discussions, , which I would later look back on as being character assassinations, but actually they were probably quite helpful if I'd taken them that way.

Insights into. Character, weren't they? Maybe I should have. I did listen to them, but yeah, I should have thought of 'em less as character assassinations as and

Chris

more as health. Was it just the context wasn't as conducive to accepting them as tips?

Noel

That was it. Maybe that was it. Maybe that

Chris

was it.

Maybe you need to, maybe it's about love language or something. Maybe there's different ways to communicate it. Yeah.

Noel

You definitely get better at this kind of thing as you get older.

Claire

Don. It depends whether you're aware of what's going on really. Because otherwise it'll just repeat repeat.

And I often to think of it, if you think of obviously you're subconscious, but think of it in terms of your knife and fork. Like none of us think when we pick up our knife and fork and we eat our dinner, we don't think, oh, which hand does the fork go in? Which hand does the knife go in? And all of that.

We just do it. And all of the things that we. Taught throughout our life are, they're in our subconscious and we're just doing them, but we're lying to it. So as much as you can think that you know what's going on under the surface, you probably don't. What's your business called? Claire? So it's called Claire Louise Coaching.

And I'm on Instagram and Facebook.

Chris

Okay. So if you had one piece of advice for someone, listen. , what would it be?

Claire

, I think one of the things which I've already said is that relation, developing that relationship with yourself. And you can do that in a relationship or not in a relationship because that just impacts life.

It impacts everything. It impacts like work and like before, I would do everything like perfect and want to, do all of that and please everybody. And now I'm. Not, it can work the other way sometimes, but but yeah, I don't get that stress with it because it's, yeah, I've got responsibility, but it's not all mine.

I don't have to fix the world thing. So yeah, developing that relationship with yourself is key.

Chris

I'm glad you've been on that journey. It's incredible. Yeah I hope you're in a better place and it's lovely that you get to help other people doing it as well.

Claire

. Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Really enjoy it.

Chris

Hey, it is Chris here from Adventure Solos where we help people in their thirties, forties, and fifties to rediscover themselves and meet new, If you'd like to find out more about adventure solos events, visit AdventureSolos.com. That's AdventureSolos.com where you're very welcome to stay in touch by joining the mailing list, so AdventureSolos.com and enter your details to sign up to the mailing list.